Letter to Censor Board and Maneka Gandhi

Dear Madam Maneka Gandhi, PETA, Censor Board (particularly Sharmila Tagore) and other concerned personalities, who love to protest over animal rights,

I am making a full-motion cinema and I will be using animals. In the light of controversies surrounding Rang De Basanti and other cinemas, I seek your no-objection-certificates for the movie which I will be making.
The name of the movie is still not known and the plot is still in conceptualisation stage but I am sure that by the time you people get over with discussions, debates, protests and road shows we will be ready with the storyline and the title. However, I do understand that you people have constraints and you require the type of animals which we will use along with their specific purpose for your discussions.
I am giving out the list of animals along with the proposed situation for their shoot:
1. Horses: we want to shoot the hero riding a horse. I assure you that horse will be treated as humanely as possible. It will be provided an air-conditioned stable and will be provided food of highest quality. It will also get a personal attendant, a make-up man and accommodation in a five star stable should we require shooting in other location.
2. Dogs, bulls, cows and other stray animals found on road: they won’t be employed specifically; however, they will come in the picture frame because we plan to shoot the hero moving in a car on Delhi roads, we will be giving them chapattis, biscuits, bones etc. as their remuneration for voluntary (and unwanted) appearance. The food items will be approved by leading veterinarian.
3. Sparrows, vultures and eagles found in the sky: again they won’t be employed specifically, but will still come in the camera because sky will anyways come for any outdoor shooting.
4. Chicken (dead): We want to show the hero eating chicken in a restaurant. If you think it is violation of animal rights then we can edit this scene and ask the hero to eat grass in pastures with cows. In that case, please grant me permission to show cows in my cinema. We can not take guarantee for the grass the cows will eat.
5. Homo sapiens or humans: I am seeking your permission in the light of the statement “man is a social animal”. Please note that this animal is an absolute must for this project. Most of the production crew will consist of this kind of animal only including the actor, actress, director, producer, spot boys and cameraman.
Sirs and Madams, since we belong to the same species I am sure that you will understand my sincerity and grant me the requisite certificates for the cinema.

Yours sincerely,
A sub-species of Homo sapiens called the Producer.