Infidelity joke

I read it in Calvin and Hobbes:
Girl: Oh dear Simon, your company is such a pleasure. *puch* *puch* (kissing sound)
Boy: Indeed. *smooooooch* (a long kiss)
Girl: Wouldn't it have been great had we been married? *puch* *puch* *puch*
Boy: But we married... *smooch* *smooch*
Boy: or do you mean, married to each other

Mumbai blast: my anger at government, the media and the people

Government:
They did what they could do, they took timely action – this is accepted and much appreciated. But government did this only after the strike; could the strike itself be prevented? Yes, this is what intelligence gathering is all about. Home minister of India, Mr Shivraj Patil, is famous for his incompetence in running the ministry. When bomb blasts in Delhi took place, Mr. Patil was fussing over which shirt to wear, to appear before media, he reportedly changed his clothes five times before coming out of his house – just shows the concern of the Home Minister of India for the common man. Even when the catastrophe had struck Bombay, our minister foolishly goes to the media and lays bare the operational plan of the National Security Guards. “200 NSG commandos are being deployed” says he, little knowing that Taj hotel will have TV inside, which terrorists would have been watching.

Media:
The necessary evil, I call them. I appreciate the journalists (cameramen included) braving their lives to appraise the nation of the situation, however, amongst them are also some idiots who must speak because they are being paid to do so – even if it codswallop. They let rumours run amok and spread dissatisfaction among general public over alleged inaction of the government. I heard CNN-IBN running a report that government brought in NSG a “full” nine hours after the attack – they made it sound as if the Maharashtra government and police played poker in the mean time. Ill informed, rather uninformed, media does not realize that NSG is brought in only when it becomes clear that police will not be able to handle the situation. It is very rare for MARCOS (Marine Commando Force) to be brought into action. Nobody knew the intensity of attack initially so ATS (Anti-Terrorism Squad), which itself is well-trained and well-equipped force, tried to handle it by itself. When they realized it is well beyond their capability, then the call for NSG was sent. Nobody can be blamed for this, the plan of terrorists was foolproof and intensity of attack was high. The intensity of attack can be judged from the fact, that even the elitist of NSG commandos were not adequate to handle and hence MARCOS too had to be flown in.Another media person complained that NSG was brought to the site by bus, what else do you expect Madam Barkha Dutt, should they have made a landing strip right in front of the attack site and flown in first-class British Airways? For heaven’s sake, let’s not talk about the comfort of commandos – just think of it from operational perspective, how else could you have brought in commandos in the crowded area like that?Another reporter from NDTV said that people do not have food to eat inside the hotel, which is “another” problem. I think she failed to notice that there are terrorists holed up in the hotel, providing delicious food to the hotel guests was nowhere in the priority list at that time.

Politicians and People:
It was disgusting to see Narendra Modi and Vilasrao Deshmukh coming to the attack sight to make political statement. Even if Narendra Modi acted irresponsibly, Vilasrao Deshmukh – the Chief Minister of the state could have remained calm and let the security people do their job but he too had to come to counter the political point made by Narendra Modi. When will these people understand what pressure police undergoes to arrange for their security even under normal conditions and when they come right to the doorsteps of terror attacks they are risking the lives of many innocents in the process by diverting the attention of the police.It is normal and understandable for the relatives of victims to be angry and upset. All is forgiven for them if they vent their anger at wrong people but how about the people who are not directly involved in the tragedy. I heard a citizen complaining that fire brigades did not take any action for three hours, despite the fact that they (meaning those people being interviewed) urged them to take action. These people speak like imbeciles, never ever trying to put them in others’ shoes. Would they, had they been fire personnel themselves, had gone on without orders from their seniors? Would they gone on to rescue a few persons at the cost of jeopardizing the whole operation?It is high time that people, media and government start acting wisely.

All said and done, I was awestruck by the professionalism of the security personnel and except for such sporadic incidents the media and administration handled the situation well and prevented many more losses of lives.

5 must have foods in Delhi

What? Parantha
Where? Murthal: 35 kms away from Delhi
My personal favourites are Ahuja Number-1 or Gulshan dhaba on the highway itself. Devout fans of paranthas also swear by places such as IIT – Delhi flyover or, near Moolchand. I tell those poor souls that they haven’t tasted the paranthas at Murthal. Do not go to Gali Paranthe Wali at Chandni Chowk whatsoever, you will be in for a major disappointment. Except for the fact that those shops are ancient (established circa 1700) they have nothing to offer.

What? Samosa
Where? Panchkuian Road, near Connaught Place
This place is hidden behind Metro track and is losing its glory due to Metro work. In its golden period, this single shop was responsible for causing major traffic jam at Panchkuian Road. While you are eating samosa, you must also sample kachoudi and gulab jamun over there. The shop owner has also opened a shop at Netaji Subhash Place, Wazirpur.

What? Kulfi
Where? Roshan’s, Karol Bagh
Start eating the kulfi and you will be engulfed by chilly sweetness. People dare the hot Delhi weather and the horrifying traffic snarls to visit this shop. Tip: the shop is always crowded so grab a seat wherever you can, don’t bother if someone is already occupying a table – you will never be able to have complete table to yourself.

What? Tikki
Where? Bittoo Tikki Wala – Rani Bagh/Wazirpur
This guy is personification of rags to riches story. He (his tikkis) shone to fame when Delhi was gripped by adulterated oil mafia and Delhiites avoided eating out due to fear of dropsy. This guy, at that time, operated on a makeshift movable stall (we call it rehdi) and he hung a board on his stall saying “we make tikkis only out of desi ghee”. This assurance was enough to make the roadside food starved Delhiites queue up at his stall with their tongues hanging out. Within a period of 7 years this guy has moved from a makeshift stall to upmarket Netaji Subhash Place and has another shop in Rani Bagh.

What? Chaat
Where? UPSC building, near India Gate
Try the fruit chaat. The way he makes chaat is quite simple, yet the chaat should be tasted to believe, it’s like magic!

A dream

I had a strange dream yesterday night/today morning - that one of my childhood friends passed away in a car accident and I am weeping as if my world has sunk.
Is it normal? Should I send an email to my friend to know if she is alright or will it sound too bizarre?

Americanization of Indian...

Feelings/habits of an Indian student:

• Elation
• Loneliness
• Independence
• Work hard
• Sleep late
• Miss lunch
• Skip dinner
• Download are fast!
• Dinner at lunch time
• Snack at 4 in the morning
• Check emails in morning even before brushing your teeth
• Donal Knuth is God
• Sergey, Brin are demi-God
• Adoring gori skin
• Perpetually asking "damn, why does this not happen in India?"
• Come to terms with right-hand driving
• Come to terms with power switches
• Buy power adapters to fit American sockets
• No littering (bah!)
• No power cuts
• Watch streaming videos (wow! this is what is called broadband)
• Drink water directly from tap (no RO filter/aquaguard/zero-B)
• Download entire DVD of Debian in 4 hours (now this is bandwidth! Is anybody listening in India?)
• Laptops are cheap
• Food is expensive (darn, can't get to eat outside)
• $1 = Rs 45
• Multiply everything by 45, sigh at how expensive things are and don't buy them
• Sigh at food lovingly, multiply by 45, grumble, buy it anyways (heck, you can't survive without food)
• Create a Facebook profile (no Orkut, dumb world)
• Everything given in lbs, divide by 2.2 to get number of kilograms
• Multiply distance by 1.6 to get idea of distance (miles to kilometers)
• 1 gallon = 3.76 liters
• When they say 60 degrees outside, it's not hot. In fact, it's too cold. (60 American degrees - fahrenheit~ 15 Indian degrees - celsius)
• Subway is a perfectly good option for dinner
• Orange juice = water
• Beer = water
• Pepsi/Coke = water

Feel free to add more...

Why Google Chrome is embarrassing...

Here is a snapshot of my friend's screen (taken very secretly, I pressed the Print Screen when he was looking away). Needless to say, he won't use Google Chrome when his mother is around...

(click to enlarge)

Why Gunda rocks and Rock On sucks

I was surprised to receive a call from a friend (a long distance call from India no less), only to recommend, nay, strongly recommend watching Rock On. Then talking to my aunt over Skype, she too deemed it as a must watch.
With two recommendations under its belt, it was imperative for me to watch the movie. As the story unrolled, I was rolling from a state of dizziness to a deep slumber. I vaguely remember that in the end I was desperately trying to keep my eyes open. Congratulations to the producer-director for producing as good a turd as Rang De Basanti.
While watching this piece of tripe, I was constantly reminded of the epic movie Gunda. It’s really hard to be creative these days in the era marked by blatant piracy and copyright infringement, Gunda managed to defy the masses by bringing out original dialogues. While the dialogues may not be accepted by the elite (sample: chaadar hoti hai odhne ke liye, chhatri hoti hai kholne ke liye aur chokri hoti ha chhedne ke liye), but kudos to the sheer originality of the writer, director and producer.
Contrasting it with Rock On, there is not even a single dialogue worth its salt. The film revolves around a group of hyperactive twenty something boys (Arjun Rampal in twenties –yeah right!), who could not sing in their childhood. Fast forward: Despite the fact that the protagonist goes on to become a millionaire with a palace to live in and a really beautiful wife, he remains gloomy and cut-off only because he could not sing in the rock band. Fast forward to end: they are ultimately able to perform and this makes everyone happy, including me – I was so bored that I could hardly wait to see the end and get out ASAP.
Gunda, which has acquired a cult status in the previous ten years, on the other hand is an action filled movie. There is no romance, no coochy-coo talk and no comedy (except for dialogues). Mithun does what he is best at, beating the villains every now and then. Shakti Kapoor does what he is best at, raping women (bhaiyya bhaiyya, kya rape karna buri baat hai?) and everyone plays their part to perfection. The climax of the movie is better than that of Star Wars, no special effects and no fancy weapons, the villains arrive in hundreds of auto-rickshaw and are beaten to pulp single handedly by Mithun. At the end, no one except Mithun survives, not even his lady love, his family or any of the villains – how cool is that!
The verdict is as simple as it could get in years; don’t watch Rock On – save your money, save yourself from the agony, save the film industry by not buying/downloading any CD or DVD (original or pirated) of Rock On. Instead, simply type Gunda in Google and watch the full movie on Google Videos!

Old Memories

Songs stir old memories, most of the time as I have known people, songs have made them weep or sad at least. People also become happy or nostalgic after listening to few songs, but there are rare instances when a song has brought back a memory so funny that you laughed for so long that people around you considered taking you to a doctor.
I listened to one song today, called Honth Rasiley. Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=301IwZPsQQI

Notice how the people smack their lips when they say honth rasiley, this is where the story starts.

Place: Chamba, Uttaranchal, India
Date: Early 2008

We had an off-site sponsored by our office. Getting drunk was allowed and booze was so much abundant that some of my colleagues replaced water with alcohol. Some smelled so strongly of alcohol that I suspect they even brushed and bathed in alcohol.
It is in such sozzled state man commits foolish acts of acting wise. At night time, at peak of party when DJ was playing the mentioned song at its loudest, one of the alcoholic pest comes along with a torch and asks me to watch him dance. I have to admit that alcohol does something to strengthen the nerves, the so-called dance of his involved doing the same lip-smacking action in front each girl and flashing the torch at their... ahem... b's and b's.
As if this was not enough, few more drones who smelled like gutter water, came along to provide him support and demand more action. “Flash at her b$$$”, “Flash at her a##” were the requests floating in air. The drones were ostensibly being very discreet with their demand. Sadly, discreetness leaves the moment alcohol takes over control, the result was that their barely audible whispers were enough to wake up a sleeping lioness seventy kilometers away.
Hearing such whispers a girl sitting near me (others were dancing or drunk) got up and went away, and that was embarassing for me because I was only at a wrong place at a wrong time. I too had had enough and hence decided to leave, but alas, the way fate takes turns! I was walking back to my room when a friend, who hardly drinks came up to me in a sad state. The sadness was induced by alcohol, my presence must have done something to aggravate his sadness because on seeing me, he started weeping. Yet, when I thought that this was the worst it could get, fate took me to deeper waters. My friend thought that his weeping has made me suspect his masculinity and hence, as a proof, he delivered the ultimate punchline “do you think I am weeping so much because I am a girl (sobbing in between), no sir I am not (sob), should I show you my penis?”. That unsolicited offering did not stir me as much, as the fact that the same girl, who had left the dance floor, was standing within an earshot. Although it was night, but you could have seen me glowing red with embarrassment.
That was yesterday, when I was embarrassed, today when I look at things in retrospect – the mere mention of song is enough to bring a smile on my face. Hope that you enjoy too!


PS: events told are real, however, it did not happen to me but to my friend CD. I thought it was much better to relate it as if it happened to me than to write in third person.

What happens when geeks enter a movie rental store

Scene: BigFlicks, a movie rental store in Punjabi Bagh, Delhi
Three geeky people enter a partially crowded store. First person is wearing kurta, jeans and flip-flops; second is wearing t-shirt and baggy pants; third is wearing creased shirt and jeans. The store starts getting empty - it is hard to say whether it is because of these three people, they looked quite normal.
Geek 1 (to the salesman): Sir, are these movies for sale?
Salesman smells business and whips out a pamphlet and starts walking towards them with a widest grin he could manage.
Salesman (while walking towards them): No sir, I'm afraid not, but we have plans which are impossible to refuse, if you will have a look at... (geek 2 cuts him in between)
Geek 2: Hey do you have a movie 'Gunda'?
Salesman: Ummm...
Geek 2: Hero of the film was Mithun da aka Prabhuji?
Salesman: No, sir
Geek 2: Loha?
Salesman: No sir
Geek 2: Cheetah?
Salesman (desperately wiping his brows): No sir, but we have more titles than any other rental store across India, now if you could look here... (geek 3's turn to speak)
Geek 3: Actually we don't want to look at this, we have a 2 Mbps connection at our house, we download all the movies we need. There is a website from where you can buy the movies cheap for downloading
Geek 2: Of course you understand that they are DRM encrypted, you can't watch it on any other computer
Salesman smiles.
Geek 1: Moreover, I think this is going to be the future of movie rentals, I wonder why you aren't switching over to that mode yourself.
Geek 3: My these two friends are actively working on DRM technologies, soon movie rental is going to become an online game without any threat of piracy.
Salesman: Right sir!
Geek 1: OK see you then
The three gentlemen walk out and the crowd starts trickling back in.

Kapil Bhatia gets slashdotted!

My friend Kapil Bhatia is an avid blogger. He wrote about his lessons at Proto.in and it got Slashdotted. The downside? It was Slashdotted by a Japanese, so no English here!
Go to Japanese Slashdot.

Double Bogey

We are all slaves to technology, except for few who have mastered it. I put myself in the latter category until yesterday. Yesterday, my illusions got shattered as technology gave a nasty shock to tell me who the boss was.
It was Saturday and I was in office doing some fire-fighting. In the late afternoon when I realized that I will be spending my evening too in the office itself, I decided to SMS my two friends. The three of us usually go together every Friday night and have tea in some quite corners of Delhi. I tried to make my SMS as funny as possible and wrote:
“Are we having our weekly night orgy today?” This was supposed to be funny because the word ‘orgy’ is a grossly misunderstood word. It actually means a sacred rite, or a party (detailed meaning is available here), but people usually associate with it extreme sexual activity. I knew my friends will laugh heartily after reading this and patted my own back for such achievement.
I dexterously pressed the buttons of my phone, opened the Recent Contacts list and clicked on the first contact. Message went like a breeze. I then proceeded to command my cell phone to send same message to another of my friend, it is at this point that technology decided to put her foot down and tell who commands whom. Just like last time, I again opened the Recent Contacts list, selected the name of next recipient and casually pressed the send button and immediately gasped for air. I had chosen the wrong recipient! The recipient of was someone from my office and the worst part was that the recipient was a girl! I could imagine Technology rubbing her hands and laughing with glee.
I hurriedly opened the Outbox to stop the message from sending but the damage was done much earlier. Now, the only logical thing was to send another message apologizing for the error, but I come from a family of major over-reactors, so I not only sent one long message apologizing for the error but also, to be doubly sure, sent her the meaning of the word itself!
The story does not end here; it so happened that I had got a message from another friend and I had not replied to him at that time. I decided to answer his message; I did not choose the Reply option and instead composed another message. This time again, the buttons played their part well and the message was again sent to her.
I wonder what she might be thinking now. Damned double bogey!

Underwear Shopping

Let me make it clear in the very beginning, I don’t like shopping and when it comes to buying something as mundane as underwear then I ask someone else to do it for me. Usually an easy target is my brother. The problem is that such shops have assortment of items and most of the items are are for girls. It is most embarrassing for me to walk down in a shop full of girls and ask for my stuff. It has happened to me once - the girls passed sly glances at me and then giggled in chorus. I came out without buying anything.
I was forced to go into one of these shops this time because my friend, who equally abhors such shopping orgies, had to buy one of these necessities for himself. Faced with no choice, I accompanied him to what looked like one of the more respectable stores where shopkeepers and sales people don’t make you feel like a sinner who has come to atone for a murder one has just committed.
Just as I dreadfully entered the shop my brilliant mind popped out an idea. It happens so many times that the best of the ideas come to you in most unexpected fashion. It happens that you are walking down the road and you see a passer-by crossing the road and an idea hits you, which is potent enough to transform human lives forever. It happened to Newton when he saw an apple falling down. It happened to somebody called Archimedes - the idea was so powerful that it made him run naked on streets of Rome. The next person in queue after Archimedes and Newton was me – the idea came to me the very moment I had crossed the threshold of the shop, like a shutter which has just opened.
It occurred to me how I could make it one of the better experiences in life, so along with my friend I decided to buy one for myself too, and suddenly I transformed myself to one of the most enthusiastic underwear shoppers. I first asked the salesman to give me some floral patterned underwear which, as expected, he did not have for men. Then I asked him to show me one with animals on it which again, as expected, he did not have for men. I then asked him for one with butterflies print, again the answer was in negative.
My friend, all this while had been looking, nay, gaping at me with his mouth open. And before I forget to mention, he had turned scarlet as well. I, meanwhile, continued with my shopping and asked the salesman for a mauve coloured variety. He did not even know what mauve colour was, nor did I, but it does not matter. Next I asked him for orange colour, which surprisingly, he did have and I purchased it.
I confess that I liked them. The colour was different, bold and extravagant. Since then, I have been resisting the temptation of wearing them over my pants.

Simple pleasures of life...

1· Waking up on a winter morning and realizing you have five more minutes of sleep and rolling back into the warm comforts of bed.
2· A warm shower.
3· Flushing a roll of tissue paper down the toilet and watching the roll struggle crazily for escape.*
4· Watching old episodes of The Popeye Show.
5· Humming “Jingle bells” to yourself at Christmas time.
6· Singing aloud your favourite song at top of your voice.
7· Hearing the sound of rain from your room.
8· Listening to your old favourite songs after a long time.
9. Listening to sound of ocean in a conch-shell.

* By this, I mean the entire roll. Put an end of tissue in the clean toilet and then flush. It's quite a fun to see roll unwind itself

Trying to fall in love

“Ahem”, asked the foreigner sitting next to me, “why is he constantly on phone?” The lady was from America on a client visit to our company. She was referring to my colleague who called up his fiancé at the slightest provocation.

“Uh, umm, he is trying to fall in love”, I answered. I knew that she won’t understand the answer and the frown followed by wiggling of her nose proved that I was right. Before giving her any opportunity to ask another question I continued, “Actually, he has just got engaged to a girl. He is trying to fall in love with her before they get married”. I felt I had given a satisfactory answer and started to resume me work, but the lady was still confused.

“Why did he get engaged to a girl whom he did not love?” asked our client.

“His parents arranged the marriage for him, so he did not get any chance to meet her before their engagement. He is doing all he can to fall in love with her and going by the number of conversations he is having, I think he is doing a good job! He will be in love with her well before their wedding day.”

“But the idea of parents finding a girl for you is preposterous!” her voice almost trembled with shock.

“No it is not” I protested, “it is so much better in life to marry first and fall in love later with your wife or husband, far easier and a lot simpler!”

“But dear, you don’t realize one problem, what if they don’t fall in love even after marriage?” she said with an air of a class teacher who has just stumped a second class boy.

“Not falling in love is not an option for them” I said with a concluding tone in my voice.

Love for Wodehouse

I was hooked to P.G. Wodehouse’s books from the third book onwards. It took me some time to get acquainted with his writing style, use of words and long sentences. Since then I have been acting as an unpaid marketing manager of Wodehouse, I certainly would have earned a commission from him had he been alive.
I love Wodehouse for a simple reason, that if such an attempt of creating humour with virtually non-existent story line were done by somebody else it would have been a plain disaster. Wodehouse did something to the words, which other authors could not even dream of - something called magic.
When someone asks me to summarize the stories of Wodehouse, it hardly takes me more than two minutes to do so. People then wonder whether it is worth reading two hundred plus pages just for that story, which is hardly sounded funny. I give them this reason: In fast-paced novels one does not get to notice the language, the objective is to turn pages as quickly as possible and get to the end. The meat, as Wodehouse would have put it, lies in the story, not language. Whereas in books of Wodehouse stories proceed at leisurely pace, the story line is humorous, but the true humour is generated by the language. One should read to books of Wodehouse to enjoy the language, appreciate the genius of the man who created magic with words.
If you are reading his books for getting a good story, you will be terribly disappointed but if you are reading them to ease the tension off your mind, to see the lighter side of life, to see how extraordinarily funny even any vapid situation can get then you will be in for a very pleasant surprise. Go ahead, surprise yourself!

Quote from Trial of Tilak

Bal Gangadhar Tilak is known for his call "Swarajya is my birthright, I will have it."

Little is known of another of his memorable quotes, these are inscribed on a tablet outside Central Court room of Bombay High Court. He was tried and sentenced guilty for sedition and in the end he said these unforgettable words:

"All I wish to say is that in spite of the verdict of the Jury I maintain that I am innocent. There are higher Powers that rule the destiny of things and it may be the will of the Providence that the cause which I represent may prosper more by my suffering than by my remaining free."

Dressing Sense

Some people have an impeccable dressing sense. I wonder if it is their personality, their choice of clothes or they are just plain lucky, but whatever they wear they look good in them.
One of my friends is a lawyer by profession and a super model by looks. Every time I see him he appears dressed perfectly. This is true even when he about to retire to bed, he dresses in a manner as if he is giving demonstration for sleeping tutorial classes. “There”, the instructor might say “is the manner, in which one should dress for sleep, look at this person, he has managed to match the colour of his bed sheet and with the pyjama”. I wonder if he manages to impress the judges with his attires, unlikely, but I wouldn’t be shocked to learn if it were true.
Same is the case of a girl who I have seen only in photographs but never met personally. I have known her only because another of my friend has so many photographs of her that now he gives the count in kilograms, the latest score being 3 kilograms of her photographs. Imagine the survival rate of people who are forced to watch each and every of those photographs. Fortunately, the girl is a beauty and she is another one of those lucky people who manage to choose the clothes just right for them. Watch an average girl with good dressing sense and you give an appreciative nod, for face is given by God but dressing is chosen by mortals. Whereas if you see a pretty girl dressed shabbily, you have to fight down the impulse of calling the police to remove the eyesore. The third category, the one in which this girl falls into, are rare species of those having good face and good brains to pick out clothes. When placed in company of such finer sex a man can hardly be blamed for behaving like a clown. It is in such company that a man’s caveman instincts compete with his medieval chivalry and present before the general public a spectacle of never seen before buffoonery.
I can be shown in stark contrast with above two examples. I have been handed over ultimatums by many people about my dressing sense. Some of my friends just look up and curse heavens for sending me down, while the others have given up trying to train me – they have learnt that one has to face disappointments in life. After much introspection, I have found out what is wrong with me or my dressing sense. The reason is simple, I am plain lazy to go and buy new clothes for me. Nay, buying is an understatement, I am plain lazy to even dig out clothes from wardrobe, I just wear anything which is lying in front of me. So, for all those atrocities I have committed and will continue to commit in the name of poor dressing sense, my friends, I ask for forgiveness.